Growing Past Unhealthy Familiarity
So , you've developed a blooming relationship, eventually get married, add to the plot a kid, and your routine is established.
Or you enter into a relationship with a person whose undesirable characteristics don't seem unbearable, so you just deal with his or her "stuff" and keep it moving.
Or there are so many positive points to your job that the aspects of it that tend to leave you feeling disrespected, unimportant, and left out you choose to overlook.
Or your significant other or family member only drinks or uses drugs on certain days of the week to "unwind", so it's not a chronic problem and you just roll with it and learn how to best defend yourself during those really heated times.
Or the patterns within your closest friendships where you're always in the caretaker role and worn out has its "perks" because you feel wanted, needed and important.
This is what it looks like to become comfortable with unhealthy familiarity. The problem is that within all of these scenarios is embedded a routine that compromises who you are at the core of your being and, ultimately, it flames the irrational search for positive regard, importance, relevancy and connection. Don't get me wrong, I know it can be quite intimidating to imagine ending a relationship or leaving a job because of things aren't right. So many times we've built up security in the identities we create for ourselves.
We make excuses that "he only does this on the weekend" or "she only makes comments like that when she feels concerned or angry" or "her only saving grace is this job so she takes it very seriously"… All things that we tell ourselves to try to diminish the need for for change to take place. Why? Because a need for change means that somebody has to do something and take action.
This is the point at which many of us may begin to retreat. The threat to our ability to grow past familiarity lies in our perceived sense of security, pride, self esteem, support; all things we want to desperately hold onto. If you or someone you know wants to test the waters to grow past unhealthy familiarity, here are a few points to share and consider.
one
Shore up your internal resources and coping strategies
I'm a firm believer that if you can stay ready, you don't have to get ready. Many times when we're talking about coping strategies and internal resources, we are referring to resolving internal conflicts in a clinical setting from a therapeutic standpoint. But the truth is that anyone who has experienced a situation that is mentally and emotionally disturbing could possibly be experiencing the effects of trauma. Releasing oneself from a toxic relationship is no different. You must shore up your internal resources and coping mechanisms … Writing , exercising, thinking, journaling, utilizing breathing techniques, yoga , picking up a new hobby or playing an instrument are just a few of those strategies. Internal resources are related to the way you think and feel. Positive self messages, affirmative self talk , inspirational mantras and videos are ways to build these resources.
two
Imagine what has not been realized in real life yet
Either create an image in your mind of what a positive relationship should look like or look for an example of the relationship that you feel closely mirrors what you want to experience. And then imagine yourself in the middle of this relationship and the positive effect it can have on your life. People who want more out of life and desire to live in peace and happiness visualize a life for themselves that supports this vision.
three
List the new boundaries that are needed in order to feel free
Seriously ask yourself "what do I need to be free from in order to move forward without constraints?" What limits have been placed around you that keep you feeling mentally and emotionally tied? Are there pockets or groups in your life where you feel like you are the glue holding it all together? If you do not fulfill your typical prerequisites and "play your part" would others find themselves in a quandary? Take some time to list all of the places in your life where boundaries are not currently established but need to be present. Take a hard look in the mirror and be honest with yourself about the places where the boundaries are skewed and no clear delineations exist. I also have to give the disclaimer that once you start doing the work around your boundaries it can create other issues or uncertainties in your life. People can easily find themselves in a very vulnerable, scary place when they start to be real with themselves.
four
Establish and make boundary commitments that honor you, first and foremost
Simply put, make decisions that honor you. Many times people find themselves in a pattern of making decisions because other people desire something for them or because they are looking for a way to secure a connection, friendship or relationship with others. When you begin to make decisions decisions that honor you first and take care of your needs, it means that you are choosing to put yourself first. A lot of excess baggage and waste will fall along the way. Overtime, friendships and relationships will not look the same. If you have a pattern of honoring requests without thinking twice about it about it, begin to think twice about it before committing yourself.
Ask yourself:
"Does this decision honor me?
Does it foster control or connection?
Does it support a relationship where there are no prerequisites or expectations?"
five
Brace yourself for the fallout
When you decide that you want to be different and you want to have a relationship that looks different, there will inevitably be fallout. Friends will fade to the background. Family will become frustrated with you and your new resolve. Significant others will accuse you of abandoning them. Bracing yourself means that you take time ahead of time to anticipate what will happen. Use your coping strategies, lean on internal resources and seek professional care to help you through this transitional period in your life.
Ultimately, the goal is for you to be the very best version of yourself. This should not include you having to compromise who you want to be for the needs of another. Shroud yourself in the support needed to move forward in life honorably.
If you'd like me to assist you on this journey, give me a call and I'll be happy to help you through the transition as much as possible.